July 2007 :: On Rejection

I stand five feet nine inches. Sometimes I lie and say five-ten. Just sounds better, right? When people who know me only from the phone or an online relationship meet me in person, it’s not uncommon for them to remark, “Gee, you’re not as tall as I’d imagined.”

My remarkably average height is rarely an issue though. I can reach the top shelf and I’m taller than most women. However, one of the few places my height is ever an issue is on the basketball court. The majority of the time I find myself matched up with someone taller than me. Having been this height for the past couple decades, I’ve adjusted to guarding and shooting over taller people.

Still, when you go up for a shot against men who enjoy a 6-to-9 inch height advantage, you can expect a sweaty palm to stamp your shot “Return to Sender” every once in a while. In the parlance of the court, blocked shots are referred to as “rejections” and through the years, I’ve been rejected hundreds of times.

The real power of a blocked shot comes from getting in the head of the shooter; percentage-wise, the offensive team usually retains possession on blocked shots. But after the block it’s not uncommon to hear, “Get that sh*t outta here.” Advantage, defense.

Of course, the idea behind this sort of verbal warfare is to intimidate you — to cause you to shrink into your fear of failing, your fear of being embarrassed by getting blocked again. If you buy into this fear, you’ll settle for shots that are more difficult and farther from the basket. And the odds that you will lose rise dramatically.
I bring up the story of rejection because it’s been at the forefront of my mind. I have a book proposal under review at several major publishers. For a couple of weeks, these have been the messages forwarded to me from my agent:

“Thank you so much for letting me have a look at Drew Rozell’s (proposal), but I’m sorry to report that I’m going to pass. There’s some solid advice here but I’m afraid that in the end, we just didn’t feel that the content was fresh enough to stand out from the many similar books already on the market.”

“Many thanks for sending along Drew's project. I don't think we're going to be in the market for another book that, in so many ways, tends to mirror what XXX says in his.”

“I did indeed love the title of this project, but I wasn’t confident we could get enough media for this (competition for slots is so fierce) to want to take it on, so we’re not going to make an offer.”

The first few blows slid right off me like weak jabs off a Vaseline-slathered cheek. But then one day I received three rejections in rapid succession. Bam! Bam! Bam! I felt like I got knocked on my keyster. Like a boxer who never saw the punch coming, I tried to reorient myself from the canvas as another adversary began to pump through my veins – Doubt.

“Wow. Maybe I’ve been deluding myself all this time. Maybe I’m really not a very good writer. Maybe I have nothing original or worthwhile to say. Maybe…”

For the entire afternoon, I chose to believe that my dream had turned to dust. I relinquished control over my own intentions. And no, none of this felt good.

Later that night I re-read the proposal I submitted. And I liked what I wrote. My desire rose within me once again and I felt like my work now was to trust and allow things to work out rather than control how they worked out.
On the basketball court or in life, the most compelling question is not if you’ll get rejected. Of course you will. Rather, the question is how do you choose to respond when you meet with rejection?

We all know about the power of persistence in the face of rejection. We need not look far to find such stories on inspiration in the face of adversity. Even so, rejection looms as a deep-seated fear that keeps people from taking their best shot. And perhaps this is due in part from how we choose view rejection in the first place. 

Just as death is part of life, rejection is part of success. When you think about it, working through a persistent struggle is what gives success its sweetness. Rejection is not be feared or avoided. Just as there is no happiness without sadness, no yin without yang, there can be no success without rejection.

Getting rejected on the court has made me a better basketball player. Getting rejected in from colleges and graduate schools, while painful in the moment, over time revealed themselves to be absolutely necessary for me to fulfill my intentions in a perfect way. And being rejected in relationships led me to hone in on what I really desired from a partner and no longer settle for “good enough.” Getting rejected from publishers will allow me to attract the perfect publisher or improve my work to something even better. Either way, it’s perfect. Through rejection, we evolve.

So, can you see rejection as being valuable and necessary? When you meet with rejection, do you keep your cool? Do you keep driving to the hoop or do you pass the ball, submitting to the fear of being blocked again? Most important, in the face of rejection, do you still hold your intentions, or do you choose to bow your head and relinquish your true power?

Getting blocked is part of the game. But remember, there’s no greater thrill than going right at that bigger opponent and beating them to the hoop for the score.

UPDATE: After writing this piece, some positive e-mails came in. At this very moment, I am in New York City meeting with some interested publishers. Exciting! I'll post something on the blog when I know more. — d